I love change, except when it is happening. New ideas, projects and starts are exciting… and exhausting.
When I picked New Beginnings as May’s theme for DIY Creative Club, I was thinking of the future and fresh starts. It is Spring time, everything is extra pretty and full of possibility. It seemed like a positive and inspiring prompt.
Starting something new can be thrilling, and addictive. I’ve seen many creative people thrive on new ideas but get bored halfway through, begin new projects before finishing one they are working on, or get started on the next goal before reflecting on and celebrating the one they have just achieved.
I started the month full of new ideas, but haven’t had the energy to work on them all. I didn’t want to make the mistake of starting too much and achieving little, so I decided to focus on writing a poem about new beginnnings, trying to keep posting regularly on this blog, starting to say no and give myself space and finish my blackout poetry project (I’ll be sharing news about this soon!).
I didn’t realise I would spend most of the month thinking about endings rather than beginnings, about stopping as much as starting.
When I write, I often leave the opening lines until last. It is easier to start when you know how it ends. We don’t have that luxury in life. We only get to rewrite the narrative of our experience after the event. Let’s face it, most of the time change is messy and uncomfortable, even when it is positive.
I’m in the slow process of dismantling a life, one I created for myself and is really rather lovely, for something different and unknown. I’m decoupling, moving home and re-assessing everything. I’m feeling pretty good about it all, but I’m really tired and most days I am functioning in a Dolly Daydream/Nora Nightmare state. There may be a future blog post in the making about removing yourself from a situation with grace, gentleness and diplomacy. But let’s see if I can pull it off first!
For now, I’ve written a poem which cannot decide whether it wants to be inspiring or angsty, so is a bit of both (I am refining my angstpirational style). I have always used poetry to process the melodrama in my mind. I have written poetry for years, but aside from publishing pieces anonymously on myspace a few years back, I only started sharing my work last month. I have been insisting for ages that I don’t want to be a poet, but what I really meant is that I wasn’t ready to share it.I decided to start sharing because I realised I would learn from it. My blog has got better through publishing posts, you get a lot of knowledge through the process of putting yourself out there. Also, I have learnt that I can live with the early, imperfect, slightly embarrassing work. I recently said to another artist “Make it, share it. Learn stuff, no regrets.”
When I told fellow blogger and coach Helen that I was nervous about sharing my creative work, she said lots of great things, including this… “with creative endeavours, it’s just about putting something out there, knowing that it is there for the people who will get something out of it, and having the confidence to know we can focus on those people.”
If you are still reading, I guess you might be one of those people.
Because the poem is a rather lengthy beast, I decided to record it, (which is another new thing for me!) adding a dimension of “urgh now people are going to hear my voice!” to distract me from any doubts about the poem itself! It took more takes than I could count, but I am finally content and ready to share.
Check out our New Beginnings collaborative playlist – it has been my go-to soundtrack for the month – and sign up for DIY Creative Club here.