When fellow blogger babe Nikki Loy suggested writing a ‘10 things I am afraid to tell you’ post, I thought it sounded like fun. Then I started my list and I wondered what I was the hell I was thinking!
When writing the first draft, mutant butterflies infested my stomach and a little voice in the back of brain kept whispering “you can’t write that, everyone will realise you’re completely crazy!”. But having the moral support of a group of amazing women (aka BossyGals Girl Band*) kept me on track and laughing hysterically.
We are not the first to write these posts. It all started with a blog post by Jess Lively and the refreshingly radical honesty caught on, inspiring bloggers to write their own and confess all sorts of secrets and insecurities.
Now it is my turn to tell all (well luckily for all of us, I am limited to 10 things). Please be gentle with me!
1. I failed my Drama GCSE. Yes, I thought I’d start with a suitably ridiculous one to warm up, I have no idea why any of you would care or even why I do. Since school, I have commissioned performances, ran auditions, mentored early career performing arts companies and written theatre reviews. I have many other higher qualifications, and yet sometimes, this damn failed GCSE still makes me feel insecure!
2. I live with depression. I’m hoping this will surprise some people as I work damn hard to manage my depression on my own time and only put the best bits of me out into the world. It has taken a long time involving continuous self development and a strong support system to get me to a good place. Now I know that sometimes I just need to survive a bad day, and then the rest of the time, I can make my good days great.
3. I’m quite clumsy and have a knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time! I regularly walk into doors or furniture, trip over, knock things over and have embarrassing falls. In the last fortnight, I’ve fallen down the stairs, dropped hot tea into my lap and walked into a door frame. I think one of the reasons I like communicating on-line is that no one can see my ungraceful blunders!
4. I have no musical skills. Obviously music is so important to me, but I currently have no musical abilities. My confidence did get knocked at school, I blame that, but mostly I just haven’t had the dedication or perseverance to actually learn an instrument, which seems kind of lame. I do sing all the time, but very badly!
5. I don’t like a bad boy… unless he is a cat. In general I prefer a gentleman to an arsehole. That may sound like a no-brainer, but we all have at least one bastard that we cannot help but adore, and because I have superb taste when it comes to my human relationships, mine is my cat. The only fella that can treat me mean and keep me keen. He climbs anything and everything, pushes my stuff off shelves, attacks me for no apparent reason, bites me when he wants a cuddle and constantly meows demands. I tolerate all this, not just because he is an animal that I decided to bring into my home, but because he is just so very cute and fluffy, and sometimes he is really sweet, and maybe, he is just misunderstood!
6. I am scared of loud noises, including balloons bursting, dogs barking and fireworks banging. I can handle them better on some days than others. I have organised events with fireworks, which was empowering, even if I put my hands over my ears for the actual display! I bloody hate balloons though, cannot bear being around them.
7. I’m a bit of a slob. I love lazing around and can spend all day in bed doing sweet FA. I throw stuff at the bin and if I miss I don’t get off my backside and pick it up. I leave my clothes on the floor. I forget to do the washing up. In an ideal world, I’d like everything perfectly ordered, clean and tidy, but if it isn’t, I may as well throw stuff anywhere and everywhere! I’m all or nothing; a crazy perfectionist or just slap-dash that’ll do.
8. I am a compulsive skin picker. I pick at my skin when I am stressed or anxious, when I am bored, when I am relaxing, sometimes on purpose, sometimes without noticing. Mostly I pick and scratch at my fingertips, but also my arms and legs. I manage it by looking after my nails and hands with regular manicures, exfoliating my skin so it stays as soft and smooth as possible and finding other less-harmful things to pick at! Sometimes I’ll edit photos to smooth out the skin on my fingers because I worry they’ll disgust people.
9. Sometimes I wish I was still skinny. It’s not that I dislike my current size or the way I look, in fact I’m more comfortable and happier with my body now than I’ve ever been. I used to be really skinny and I got a load of abuse for it, so I hated it. I wished I had a curvier, average sized body, much like the one I have now. Whether I liked it or not, being tall and skinny became part of my identity, it was just me, and sometimes it feels weird that I am not now (the skinny bit that is, I’m still quite tall, well about 5’8” ish, and I haven’t started shrinking yet!). Hormone treatments and surgery have changed my body, mostly for the better, but I guess I am still getting used to it.
10. I am separating from my husband. It is the hardest decision I have ever made. I still think he is wonderful, we are just on different paths and I need to live on my own for a while now. We have been together for 15 years, shared so much and our friendship is still strong. I have no idea what the future holds, beyond seemingly endless possibilities, so I’m taking change one small step at a time. In the meantime, I am embracing my new identity as a grown up and independent woman out in the world, looking after herself, living a fabulously stylish and creative life and chasing after her dreams.
Hungry for more secrets? Then head to over to read the posts of my brave bloggers-in-confessional-crime. These incredible women are my creative co-conspirators and have made this whole anxiety-inducing blogging adventure a heap of fun. I think they are wonderful, so check out their amazing blogs. Here are the links…
*we got mistaken for a girl band on Twitter. I am delighted by this!